Well... 'tis done. I'm in Italy again, not even two months after leaving for England. Hardly forever, as I pictured it in my plans. I started working already, I set up my desk, visited my relatives, retrieved my car and found out I can still drive. It's very eerie... it does feel like I never even left. The months of happiness spent in England is already blurring in my memory, much like a vivid dream. It is almost scary.

I didn't take the change too well this time. I flew back the night between monday and tuesday, leaving Arcty in haste because I didn't want to cry in airports like frail girls do... but I did cry when he wasn't seeing. The trip was uneventful and in just a few hours I was in my house in Italy, an empty room and all my belongings packed in my two suitcases.
Unpacking was painful. Arcty helped me with the suitcases, I could see his expert hand organizing it, the ps1 he lent me so I'll have something to play... items we were both handling at home just a few hours before. A home I would not see again for many months. I couldn't think of anything else but that, how much I surrendered just... for a job. I now realize it's all for the better, but believe me, the last couple of days was very hard to get trough. I set up the small "shrine" on my desk, the pictures of my mates, the little gold dragon they bought me for my birthday and is now one of my most treasured possessions.
The night was... the hardest part. I tried to go to sleep early, as the following day, wednesday, I'd have had a morning shift. I couldn't sleep at all, even if my body was exhausted, since I skipped the previous night too as I had to fly back. Every time I closed my eyes I realized how cold and lonely was that room, images of our home in Bristol would flicker in front of my eyes, I could hear Arcty's voice... I never thought I could miss him snoring, but I did. It was painful, even physically, as every time I could feel a tightening in my chest, like heartburn. Needless to say I didn't sleep a minute between monday and thursday... Amazing to see how much punisment a human body can take and come out of relatively unscarred.
The separation anxiety was violent but, like a strong fever, passed quick and left me quite relieved. It's not all that bad... I'm working here, I feel useful. I'm building our dream of a life together more than just staying home and playing games in England. I do want a job in England, but as we agreed, turning down such solid contracts is stupid, especially not that work is hard to come by. I'm doing this for me and my partners.

They did it again, as usual, I should have expected it.

Thursday, November 26th. My phone rings at 10am (practically in the middle of the night), I roll in bed and knock it off the bed table. It rings again after ten minutes and again minutes after. I finally grab it and go "mrrrgh... prrrrronto...? *burp*".

"Congratulation Alessandro, you've got the job for the Motorways. You start on December the 1st, six months contract for now."

And that was it. I've got the job, after all and they told me that... five days in advance, when I sent the application more than six weeks ago. Anyway, I could scarcely believe it. Let's say I was pretty much convinced I would have spent the Christmas in England with Arcty and our friends and the perspective of leaving so abruptly for several months looked harsh, but as I said, it's a golden job, very well paid and I have a lot of experience already, so it won't be hard to resume.

I spent my last weekend in England in Birmingham with our friends, visited the german christmas market, ate pyramids of meat at the chinese buffet, played Assassin's Creed 2 all the way trough during a single night. I had to book a plane ticket in haste and it costed me a small fortune. And now... I'm packing all my things again for the trip back in Italy.
I won't take much with me, I have clothes in both places so they don't need to be swapped around too much. I hope my old rickety laptop will hold for six more months. I'll be back in Italy on December the 1st, my employers understood my situation and agreed to let me start with some margin of comfort... on the 2nd.

I'm sad because I have to leave Arcty for so long. I hope he and our friends Budger and Khranny will be able to visit me in Italy sometimes... now I have to show them around and take them to see the real cities of Assassin's Creed 2. At the same time I can't hide I'm glad I got the job. I'm going to earn a fair amount of money, and that's a step closer to the realization of our dream, being all together me, Ara and Arcty. I wonder if next year I'll be able to squeeze in a trip to Australia. Either that or bring our aussie back in England.

Well, I'm not going back to Italy. Not to work, at least. The whole thing was just a big waste of time... which I'll interprete as a vacation. Now, no more distractions, I'll go all out to find a job in England. I realize this is not the best time of the year, with all the Christmas jobs already taken and not much else going on, but I might get lucky.

I miss Ara and his mothering attentions, I wish he could join us in this cold, humid winter we are approaching.

Ok, it's the 17th... I still don't know anything about a job that's supposed to start in about ten days in another country... I'm starting to think I'm not getting it. Just a feeling... and I spent a month and a half being idle. I have to say I'm a little... disappointed. I had high expectations for this job. Anyway, I didn't get a "no" either, so I'll keep hoping for another few days. If it doesn't come, as we say, for each lost chance there's a hundred more.

Enough. You might be noticing I'm writing in very short sentences. I can't help it. This is what happens when I try to pull an all nighter. To put it simply, I've been playing Dragon Age overnight for a few nights now, going to bed later and later, and tonight to try to fix my internal clock I didn't go to sleep at all. I went trough the night on energy drinks and coffee and now I'm wired. My hands shake, my vision is blurred, I don't feel the need for sleep but my body is utterly exhausted. Urf. I'm too old for this.

Barraging Italy of phone calls only managed to use all the credit on my cell. Nobody knows anything yet, not even my contacts within the society, so I just have to hope for mail from the central offices.

In other news I just completed Bowser Inside Story I bought for Arcty; it's awesome kids, go buy it now. Don't download the rom, buy, buy and buy some more so it'll be profitable for them to make a sequel.

Not much else happening. When I can't plan ahead my days drift away fast as I concentrate on my little 40k figures, playing games and taking care of the house. It's a quiet, fine life but I'm not doing anything constructive and I'm not earning anything, so I hope I'll have some more movement soon.

Everybody in the household is asleep, Arcty is snoring and I can't sleep. I really don't know what to do. I should calm down, but it's beyond me. The bloody Motorways opportunity put me on hold, I had to turn down any possible job in England hoping for a quick response from Italy. Yet, they still have to come back to me. The job is scheduled to begin on the first of december, putting me in front of two possible scenarios: bad and worse.

Bad: The Motorways come back to me and give me the job, any time from tomorrow. I'll have to pack hastily, book an expensive last minute flight hoping they still have seats... otherwise reach Italy troush France using coaches and trains *shudders*. Then six months of purgatory, but well paid.

Worse: The Motorways don't get back to me or they don't give me the job. I'll have wasted more than a month of job hunting, refused possible positive positions, missed the bandwagon for the chrismas jobs... which I know are terrible, but I still need a national insurance number... to put it briefly, I'll end up with nothing.

I know things aren't so bad, it looks like it because it's 3 in the morning... and I feel lonely. I have friends, I'm happy and cheerful around them... mostly, but nobody can give me any support in more serious matters. When I'm like this I don't draw, I don't produce, I do nothing and feel useless. I don't want to stress Arcty, he's got better things to think of, Ara has his own share of problems and I don't want to be a burden. I need to sleep more and to get a move on. I'm not depressed it's just that... waiting like this wears me off. If someone stuck a broom in my hands and told me "sweep that floor" I'd be happy. I just can't sit here and do nothing, some people are happy like that but I want to do things and build my future and career... if it's even possible. I'm a computer science graduate but I never had working experience, and if Ara can't get a position after working for years in the field, what are my chances... english is not even my main language.

Silly weak posts... but at least venting helps a little. This is why I started the journal, after all, write down what I'm thinking, put order in my mind. Yes, the first year was crazy, but so was the world I was living in. I took twenty minutes more or less writing this, and I already feel a little relieved. In the next week I'm bound to receive news from the job, and tomorrow I should scan all the dirty sketches of dragons I've been doodling lately. I think I'm getting better at it, I'll see if I can produce something concrete. Now I'll slap some Mythbusters on dvd, that usually knocks me off.

Laters.

As usual, as I'm ready to settle to England, or try to, Italy comes back to haunt me.

These couple of weeks have been happy. Somehow the water problem is fixed and I'm living a quiet, loving life with Arcty and our friends. We paint, cook and watch tv together, our days pass quickly, without problems. I've been applying to several positions, just waiting for someone to come back to me... but I'm not in a rush, I deserve a vacation.

Then, a couple of days ago, I got a call from my mother. She heard that the motorways are hiring for the winter/spring season, a couple of calls around to my italian contacts and I found out it's true. Six months for the motorways... I worked there for three this summer and that almost drove me insane... but six months would net me what another job pays in a year or more. Six months of sacrifice, of solitude... already, only after not even a month here. But enough money to be able to lay down solid foundations in England... the doubt is tantalizing. With the crisis and all it'd be stupid to throw away such a rich opportunity...

I was quick and sent an application to the motorways. Now, I have to wait... if they call me I'll go back to Italy and hope to preserve my sanity for a brighter future with my mates. If not, I'll resume searching for a job in England... I hope it was the right choice.

Well... I am here. England is just as I remember it, cold, humid, cluttered but... it is home. Here I can cultivate my interests, live with indipendence and hope for the future. Arcty is sweet and gentle as always, made me find a Tau empire boxset all to build and colour, and I promised I'll finish with it before next year. We have a new kitten but there's someone missing now... I miss Ara lots, and I long for the moment we'll be all united in a family again.

Still, I'm here, trying to type while wearing mitts as the weather is already too damn cold for me. The trip from Italy was exhausting and surpisingly stressful. By some unfortunate queuing strategies we ended up boarding the plane last and had to sit next to strangers, far away from each other. I... don't like to fly. I mean, I love the flight, I'm a dragon after all, but I hate crowds. Great masses of people somehow scare me, they make me feel helpless and vulnerable and I'm very likely to react with a jab right on the jawbone if someone does as much as poking me. This is why I don't go to discos, I ram people in supermarkets with my trolley and I don't like mass transports. Anyway, I slept like a rock like always when I fly, they didn't lose my bags and everything should be fine, although I still can't be arsed to unpack everything to check.

The coach transfer between the airport and downtown was scandalous. Me and Arcty were the first to queue for the tickets, then we waited in line to board the coach. He jumped on it as the second passenger. The moment i shuffled lightly to put our bags in the booth I was literally swallowed and pushed back by a crowd that just ran out of the terminal. Some asshole put a suitcase right behind my legs and made me stumble even further. People would push me from the sides and given my natural repulsion for contact with strange, smelly foreign persons I kept being pushed back as more people jumped on the coach, with and without tickets, from all directions. It was just like being in Italy all over.
Then the conductor stepped out of the door and counted the horde of people still waiting. There was room only for three more on board and I had at least two families still in front of me. I shouted my mate was already on and my luggage was stored and still they wouldn't let me trough. Arcty had my ticket AND wallet already boarded, it would have been a mess. Luckily I managed to squeeze my way trough and went on. I felt really guilty for the little old lady I used as a stepladder, but I had to board that coach. Also, I needed the loo urgently.

So I made it home. My things are all still here, they were well cared for. The house needs some maintenance, as we don't have water upstairs, but I'm going to be really anal and I'll get everything sorted quickly. I never give up on anything. Now, to find a bloody job...

Well, to put it short, my contract job came to its term so... I am currently jobless and looking for one! More in the next days. For now, I think I'll enjoy a little vacation.

It just struck me like a bucket of bricks. I realized tomorrow I will be unemployed and I'll need to look for another job in an hostile foreign country where I barely know the language. sphelx 's journal, like usual, slapped reality in my face showing me what the market is really like now. To get a JUNIOR position in the IT I need to be able to fly a jet. Without experience nobody will employ me, and without a job I won't get experience.
It's shocking, dismaying to realize I studied for 18 years of my life and I know fuck all about anything. Yes, there's useless maths notions that are quickly blurring now that I'm not studying them daily anymore. There's theoretical knowledge about computers, physics, mostly schemes and figures, yet if they showed me a motherboard and a video card I probably wouldn't be able to tell them apart. I'm not stupid but I know nothing of the world outside my textbooks. I know, the studies gave me the right mindset to learn efficiently and adapt to my trade fast... or so they said. But I'm never going to get a job in my career without a lot of luck or external help that I can't get in England. I can't even get a national insurance number without a job, and without given number, I can't register into job agencies lists to GET a job! I know how it works, I tried this all already last year and it didn't work out...

My plan is simple.

I need to find my first job in England myself, via newspapers, ads in shop windows and such, as no job agency will help me without the national insurance number. Any job, even flipping burgers will do, as long as it's regular. So I will get the number to and I'll be able to start looking for another job, concerning my career. Of course, if I find a job in my field straight away, all the better. But I tried this plan last year, and it didn't work. Not even KFC employed me, I'm afraid I failed their interview by being TOO MUCH qualified and educated. Then I applied for a junior helpdesk position at the Fujitzu, a brilliant interview, the job was mine, they showed me around the place, even the cafeteria and where I could park my bike. It seemed like I was going to start on the next monday, then they phoned me the day after and told me I failed. I hate to fail, and I'm afraid this year I'll fail again.

I don't know. I feel inadequate and out of place. I just want a job, no matter what. I want to be useful and start to build something.

It's night shifts time! How I love them... I'm sat down here, with my laptop, servicing a car now and then and, for the rest, chatting and watching videos exactly as I'd do if I was home... and they pay me well for this. I'm going to miss these relaxing, leisurely moments. Two more nights and a revolting afternoon, then I'll be unemployed again, ready to start over in England.

Would it be really outrageous if I played Dawn of War at work? Oh, fuck that! *plays*

Morning shifts aren't too bad, I work slightly less than an afternoon and there's the feeling that time passes a little faster than the others... which does not, as they all last exactly eight hours. Sometimes they are quiet and sleepy, some other times... Today it was one of the hardest I can remember.

Tonight I slept for exactly 45 minutes. I confess I went late, as I stayed up to talk with my mates even If i knew I had to wake up at 5 am, then I couldn't get a decent sleep. I was anxious, somehow, it was windy and rainy and a thunder would strike just at the right moment to make me open my eyes. I got up with a stubborn hairdo "Cloud Strife" I couldn't tidy until I put my head under the open tap. Outside waiting for me complete darkness and an icy drizzle, to remind me that soon, in England, this will be my everyday routine. This was just the beginning...

At the station they ran out of coffee, and there I started to see the signs of a day I wouldn't forget easily. With nothing more exciting to drink than instant tea and 45 minutes of sleep to recharge me, I started working. Monday morning there's an added handicap: as you don't know motorways tickets expire after 24 hours, as a security feature. Also, lorries cannot circulate on weekends. So, they sleep for two days in service areas, clogging them up with their vehicles, then on the monday come out, insert the ticket and everything starts beeping and ringing like an arcade. When this happens I have to bolt out of the booth, cross the motorway to reach the automatic gate where the lorry is stuck, retrieve the ticket from them before they decide to throw it away or reverse or... do something silly, run back into my booth, go trough the complicate procedure to validate the expired ticket, hope the foreign driver will understand what's going on and pay when the price comes out on the monitor, of course while servicing manually my own gate, handling money while distracted by other matters.
Today I had to waltz trough the lanes 16 times. I was also missing 4,10€ at the end of my shift. I'm not going to be ruined for an amount like that, but surely it's annoying. But this wasn't the main issue of this morning... we had a proper thunderstorm.

I hate rain, and this is not a secret. I'm not going to live in England for its weather... I want heat, scorching sun, sand. Anyway, to put it simply, when it rains the automatisms of the station don't work anymore. There's metal coils underground to detect the presence of a vehicle that start failing when covered by a puddle of water and light sensors that trigger when a drop of water flies past them. Thunders make the lights of the station flicker and soft reset simultaneously the software of every computer, making it lose any information about cars passing trough (and not letting them trough, of course). The software also detects malfunctions and shuts gates randomly, caring little if there's a car just about to drive into them or already trapped inside. Wet tickets get stuck into the validator, forcing me to open the machine that has the size and manouverability of a car bonnet, risking electrocution every time. Some motorists skid merrily in the deep water puddles and wipe their windscreen at the right moment to send buckets of water flying into my booth, in the cash tray and onto my person. Other (especially women) panic, slide here and there, then complain hysterical about the terrible condition of the weather that, with sincere regret, I still cannot change at my will.

Yes, eight more shifts and my job in Italy will be over. I'm going to miss it... it annoys me, it's extremely tiresome, but it's a job and I just don't like to be idle for more than ten minutes. In England I'm going to search for one straight away. My job at the motorways is ok for a few months, but I really don't see myself doing it full time. It's... very dangerous. I could be run over any time, the gases and exhausts of the cars surely aren't mountain air but there's a subtler risk, but very concrete... I'm realizing it, getting to know more the people I work with.

It's a job that can very easily drive you insane.

I got to know a lot of "permanent" workers, at least a couple of dozens that have been employed there for more than a few years. Some of them are all right, "normal", considerate people but, worringly enough, that's the minority. Most of the others developed some sort of oddities, compulsory movement, inexpressivety of the face, excessive rudeness to everyone else. And some of them are weird in an almost patologic way. If you have a weak personality, the "seed" of madness already inside you, this is one of the jobs that will easily bring it out. I had a prime example of that today, working with someone that I won't name, in the remote case anyone I know reads about it... boy does he creep me out. He just stares out of the window, a smile on his face and would cackle madly at anything I'd say him. He sneaked behind me today so silently I couldn't realize he was there... and then he laughed like a hyena making me drop the change tray.

I do hope I'll find a job I enjoy, in England...

My blood test results are here! Well, I didn't write anything about it, it's just routine. As you might know I am obsessed with my health and will do all I can to prevent and discover early any disease. So every year or so I have my blood and urine tested.
This years' results were... good enough. Everything in the low-average, no STDs, low cholesterol... the usual. My red cells count is low, but not enough to be anemic, I just need more iron and my white cells count was just a bit high, but that might just signal a mild infection somewhere.
My urine is also clear and fine, almost good to drink. So... it looks like there's nothing to worry about, on that side, for a while.

I just had a nasty surprise. I was flossing after brushing my teeth, as usual, when i felt a tug and blood dripped from my mouth. As I tried to close it I could feel something lodged sideways between two teeth, so that I couldn't close my jaws properly anymore. After a bit of work with my nails i could dislodge the item, that was none other than a chip of my tooth, about a fourth of the total size, that came loose and broke. It's quite a mystery why, as I don't have cavities there and the bit of tooth it white and intact... just not where it should be anymore.
Now I have a gaping hole in a premolar. It doesn't hurt YET, but I'll have to go to the dentist and have it looked into. And yes, that's going to hurt my wallet.

My job is starting to take its toll on me. I have such irregular shifts I miss out on a lot of sleep and motorists are being particularly molest this period. I developed a serious tic under my right eye that I hope will be just temporary, as I really look creepy when it goes off. It starts with one or two kicks in the first couple of hours to go almost non stop near the end of the shift and after 4 or 5 coffees. I realize I need to moderate myself on those.

M - Good evening, is it all right if I pay the toll with this half pound bag of 1c and 2c coins? You'll have to sort them, as there might be pennies and turkish currency mixed in.
W - But of course, fair sir. Let me move all my forms and documents to make room for it, and I'll sort it straight away. It's valid money, after all *twitch*

M - I lost my ticket because it was hot, I opened the window while i was speeding at 180km/h and it got sucked out of the car. But I came in from the closest station, honest. So, don't make me pay anything extra, or else...
W - Don't worry mister, just allow me to fill these five modules to regularize the case and you'll be free to go. Losing a ticket isn't such a big deal, don't think about it *wink* *twitch*

M - *HOOOOOOONK* MO******CKERS LET ME TROUGH OR I'LL SET FIRE TO YOUR F*****G STATION AND SMASH YOUR CARS!!! *HONKHONKHONKHONKHONKHONHK*
W - Just a minute of patience, gentleman. I just have to note your number plate down, then you'll be free to proceed. *twitch* *twitch* *twitch*

M - Oi, kid. Change me this 500€ note into the sizing I tell you to. I'll also pay for the three cars behind me, then I have to pay this bundle of credit forms and possibly buy a telepass for me and my three aunts. Ah, I have only 30 seconds to do all this.
W - Right away sir, leave all the complicated maths to me. We are always pleased to help our users, if we can *blink* *wink* *twitch* blink*

M - I need to go to this town, this specific address and house number. Indicate me the fastest way, how far it is and the estimate driving time. Could you phone them in advance to tell them I'm arriving?
W - I'm pretty sure you have to go this and that way, gentleman. It's about 20 km away and it'll take more or less 13 minutes, but I'm terribly sorry, I don't know where the specific address is. You'll have to ask again there...
M - Asshole... *drives off*
W - *blink* *blink* *wink* *blink* *wink*

M - Oooh, this is refreshing... what a beautiful young lady we have here! It's a change from all those fat old men I see every day in the station! Isn't a cute maiden like you afraid to work here all alone?
W - *high pitched voice* Why, thanks madam, I'm flattered. It's a fair job, I'm not scared even if those rude lorry drivers sometimes startle me... they are so hairy and vulgar... have a nice day! *twitchtwitchtwitchtwitchtwitchtwitchtwitch*

Today I went to help my dad with some gardening in one of his friends villa. There was lots to do, I mowed the lawn, trimmed the hedge... it was surprisingly fun. The day was warm, I had time to think, to just do things with not many complications or thoughs... I felt useful. It's amazing how sometimes the simplest of things can restore your inner peace... I needed a day like this. I'm a pansy gold dragon, I like to stay outside, take care of things...

Tomorrow morning I have to wake up at 4.30 to work, but it's all right... another month and I'll go back to England.

I don't feel like writing. Let's just say today I drove my granddad around for 7 hours to play with his new satnav. We were sent to the most improbable, obscene, trafficated, not asphalted roads of my region and the neigboring ones. A map, gently provided by google maps will explain more. The coloured lines are the roads we took, following the suggestions of the Tomtom lady.

Purple: Pegognaga - Mezzano
Blue: Mezzano - Imola
Green: Imola - S. Giovanni in Persiceto
Red: S. Giovanni in Persiceto - Pegognaga

I feel drunk and dizzy and I don't want to drive for the next two weeks.

It is over. I can't believe it, but I survived the weekend. Not unharmed, I feel like someone fucked my brain for long hours and then didn't clean the mess. My body feels weak, I need to sleep, I can hardly think. My back hurts, my shoulders ache. But it's over.

As I foretold, and I am almost always right, today it was worse than yesterday, with an added handicap: three people manning the station instead of four. That's a 25% increase of work right there. The most people came back from their holidays today and, to add to the count, today the Fashion District was open. It's a squallid mall full of cheap clothes just a couple of station above mine, but it attracts a lot of motorists. A lot of 2,10€ fees that made me gather over five kilograms of coins.

At some point, around half past seven, I could feel my consciousness slipping away as I couldn't even focus on what I was holding in my hands. I had to pause my gate, go to the offices, drink three coffees, lock myself in the toilet and wank. An uninspired powerwank full of rage, but it did its job. I went back to the gate without washing my hands and I rejoiced handing back change possibly containing traces of my seed. Then I realized that if I do that, who knows how many more people do, especially in reasturants and cafes, and I didn't feel too well.

Enough. Now I have two days off. Days I will spend sleeping, if they let me.

I'm so tired I'm almost unable to type or think.

As I foretold today it was much worse than yesterday. Nothing big or notheworthy happened, just all of the cases of yesterday happened again, with almost twice the amount of traffic. I cashed in 56 pieces of 50€, making a bundle so thick it almost didn't fit in the envelope. As a bonus I was on gate 6, which has been malfunctioning for weeks now. The telepass sensor is weak, I don't know the technical details, but one out of three doesn't work. When that happens I can quickly motion the car to reverse and try another gate, risking a dangerous maneuver, or fill an annoying form to bill the bank account tied to the telepass. Today the traffic was so intense I had to fill lots of these forms... facing the wrath of the motorists complaining that they bought the telepass just to avoid having to wait at the station and are in a hurry.
The nervous twirch under my eyes is getting worse, I'm sure the five coffees I drank during this shift didn't help, but it's the only way I have to recharge myself for another two hours of stupid, annoying human drivers.
To cheer up the last hour and a half of my shift I listened to the derby AC Milan - Inter Milan to the radio, where my team played like ass and lost 0-4. At some point I found myself telling the drivers to fuck off instead of "good evening". It can't be helped, really.

Tomorrow it'll be harder than today, the big comeback, with queues, possibly accidents, three times the problems AND only me and two newbies on their first year manning the station. It'll take all my self control to pass it.

In other news, today I surrendered another little project of mine. I am, or better, I was playing Harvest Moon DS. I am a completionist and I was working toward the most challenging goal, to marry the Harvest Goddess, then film the sequence to upload it on youtube. It takes so much time and organization as you have to do several tasks that take many real days and potentially destroy the touch screen of your DS, but with my job I can sneak a few minutes of game every couple of cars. Everything was going well, I had played for about 10 days and unlocked most of the tedious, challenging requirements when today my savegame, for some reason, resulted corrupted. I can't load anymore and, at the moment, I don't feel like restarting so... goodbye. And good night.